My Agent keeps telling me that words are never wasted. I once applied to be a “Bacon Critic” and although I didn’t get the gig, the words remain. I’d love to be able to say that I’ve evolved since some long ago bacon loving days. Indeed my consumption is at a far slower rate than ever before. The company that didn’t hire me really missed out. I could have been a contender!
“Just the thought of being a bacon critic had me almost salivating in a Pavlovian kind of way. Instead of ringing a bell I could be set off by the sizzle of bacon grease in a frying pan. Bacon critic and by necessity bacon taster ranks right up with video game tester and licking the spoon used to mix cookie dough in terms of enjoyment.
I’m sure you would agree that there should be strict requirements for the position. The first should be a strong internal code regarding the quality and taste of bacon. If one doesn’t know exactly what they’re looking for. How will they know when they’ve found it? The ultimate strip of bacon does not break but bends as the best flavor resides in the fat and grease that must not be allowed to be fried completely away. You’ll note I’ve made no mention of microwaved bacon which is simply heresy to the bacon aficionado. The length of the strip may vary however the width is crucial as too thin a strip will burn in the middle whereas the wider strip can cook properly all the way through. The coloring should be a rich brown although some white indicating fat is acceptable but may not make up more than 7% of the strip. Proper bacon cooks in its own grease and if at all possible should be fried in a black cast iron skillet.
In addition to the taste of the bacon itself. One should look at the imaginative use of bacon which can earn extra credit. In a perfect world the critic would have an encyclopedic knowledge of bacon recipes that could shame Forrest Gump’s uses for shrimp as passed along from his good friend Bubba. What separates the wheat from the chaff is the ability to combine bacon with other foods; seafood like shrimp or scallops and supplementing other meats like hamburger, steaks, chicken and pork chops.
I suppose I should address the fact that there are those that fail to appreciate the virtue of bacon. I submit that people can be lumped into two groups; bacon and anti-bacon people. When a bacon person finds themselves in a relationship with a non-bacon person. It’s an excellent opportunity to discover the tolerance and acceptance required in a good relationship. If they can’t accept your bacon, it’s only a matter of time before they want to replace your friends, change out your furniture and start picking out clothes for you to wear. The quicker you remove that person from your life, the better off you’ll be. If you find a person that doesn’t eat bacon but will sometimes prepare it for you the way you like; that’s a keeper!
I thought of attaching my bacon eating resume including the locations all over the country where I’ve indulged but that might seem pretentious. I’ve been preparing for this role all my life. Once in a while I’ll indulge in a little Canadian bacon but my taste buds always return home.
Of course one must watch their diet and one cannot live on bacon alone as tasty as that might be. All this talk of bacon is making me hungry but in deference to a balanced diet I will have a salad… containing bacon. Not bacon bits or some other false equivalent but bacon tenderly prepared, torn not broken into bite sized bits which will enhance this and in fact any meal. I bid you adieu, bacon is calling.”
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