As must we all, Donald Trump will eventually meet his demise and the country will be faced with the need for the funeral of an ex-President. Always a revered occasion, these events are typically attended by all living former Presidents along with the current office holder. These plans were upset when a mysterious tweet originated from the official @realDonaldTrump twitter account, disinviting former President Barack Obama and wife Michelle, inviting Bill Clinton but allocating no priority seating for his wife, Hillary. He also specified front row seats for three former Playboy playmates and two porn stars, none of whom were Stormy Daniels or Karen McDougal. When questioned, Ivanka Trump acknowledged, “these were my father’s last wishes.”
There was speculation as to whether Melania Trump would attend the service? She was last seen in public on the day they left the White House in disgrace, Donald Trump having been impeached by Congress. When walking to the helicopter on the White House lawn to depart, Trump reached for her hand and she smacked it away… twice. A Marine guard stepped between the couple as it looked as though she might be considering a full assault, but she went ahead and climbed the steps of the helicopter. Trump followed, when he reached the top, instead of turning and waving in his normal manner, he bent over and showed the public his ass. Ultimately, she attended the funeral with all appropriate decorum.
The location of the funeral and where the body would lay in state was initially undecided. There was no Donald Trump library, no architect had been found to design the building. Tod Williams, one of the architects for the Obama Presidential Library in Chicago is alleged to have said, “How do you design a library for a man that didn’t read?” Some of the versions of that story said he, “couldn’t read.” The family had hoped to have the service at Trump Tower in New York but residents were successful in getting a restraining order against it. That effort ironically was led by a group of Russian tenants. When asked for comment they simply said, “Nyet!” Ultimately, the family accepted an invitation from Greene County, PA on the West Virginia border to host the funeral and bury the body in an abandoned coal mine. The town of 38,000 people was excited about the prospects of new jobs, conducting tours of the Presidential burial site and staffing the gift shop. A resident was overheard to say, “God Bless Him! He kept his promise to reopen the mine!” Invitations to host the funeral were also received from Russia and North Korea.
The service itself was relatively uneventful. The press elected to send a single pool reporter rather than throngs of journalists. Three cameras were mounted including one on the single road leading to the mine so no dignitaries were missed. Greene County Airport didn’t have nearly enough rental cars to accommodate the visitors but arrangements were made from several surrounding Counties to provide school buses. Students that were normally to be in school were dropped off outside the mine and given signs and “Make America Great Again,” hats. Each was promised $50 for their effort but several students later reported not getting paid. Nevertheless, a crowd of about 3,000 lined the road outside the mine. Eric Trump said, “Dad would have loved this, he loved big crowds.”
Speakers included Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Steve Bannon and Sean Hannity. Donald Trump Jr was unable to attend, having violated prison rules where he was serving his sentence for fraud, money laundering, and conspiracy. Diamond and Silk performed a musical selection, “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” but forgot the words. Kanye West, not missing a beat, jumped up and led the crowd in “Swing Down, Sweet Chariot” by Parliament Funkadelic providing the one true bright spot of the service. George W. Bush broke out in a dance that was confusing for not being on the beat but entertaining nonetheless. After a prayer by Franklin Graham, everyone piled back onto the buses and left town, save a few of his most loyal supporters who thought they’d stand by the mine entrance for three days… just in case.