My Daughter-In-Law Tried To Kill Me!

My Daughter-In-Law tried to kill me! In the event she is successful on another occasion, I’ll name my killer. Jessica Thompson Spivey. The murder weapon… cookies.

I can now see clearly, she’s been planning this for years. She’s been operating a business; Jessica’s Cookie Jar and she often got me to volunteer as a taster. She had me sample various recipe’s and give input as to which was best. I often babysit at the home she shares with my son and two granddaughters. I inadvertently thwarted previous attempts by limiting my intake to one cookie per visit. This year as Thanksgiving approached. She saw an opportunity and took it.

She asked my son to invite me over for Thanksgiving dinner. She had him inquire if I wanted anything special. Not wanting to be a bother, I simply said “cookies” knowing they’d be on hand already. On Thanksgiving Day, she had delivered to me my personal batch of kryptonite. A dozen Oatmeal Raisin cookies, laced with cinnamon and other unknown ingredients. She’d learned over time these were my biggest weakness. I’d be unable to resist. You might think cookies to be a strange way to try to kill someone but that’s what made her plan so insidious.

 

If you’ve ever had one of her cookies, you’ll know of their addictive qualities. Depending on height and weight I calculate one would overdose somewhere between 3-5 cookies. She sent me twelve. I had a little help because my son snuck one cookie before delivering them as the aroma got to him along the way. I had one myself to tide me over until Thanksgiving Dinner. At dinner, I was temporarily distracted from the cookies by smoked turkey, ham, greens, macaroni and cheese and cornbread. But then she primed the pump with Seven-Up Cake and Red Velvet Cake. She never directly handled those items and gave them to me. She slyly relied on the fact that as I watched others eat the cake, moaning and licking their lips. I too would succumb.

Carbohydrates cause cravings for additional carbohydrates. Once having had two pieces of cake. It was only a matter of time before I sought out additional carbs. The memory of all those cookies awaiting me when I returned home suddenly overcame me. I played with grandchildren, engaged in conversation. All the while thinking about the cookies that were calling my name. It was almost certain I would unable to keep from eating the remaining ten cookies leading first to euphoria, and then certain death. Fortunately, I was full enough from the regular dinner that I simply couldn’t eat more than a few cookies and thus lived to see another day.

Should anyone reading this wish to try some of these cookies. I issue the following warnings:

1. They make excellent party treats. Should you order a dozen or more. Do not open them until ready to serve. If you sample one alone, it will be all you can do to keep from stashing them for yourself and eating the whole batch.
2. Give them all away after serving them. Do not allow any leftovers to remain. They’ll be the end of you.
3. Order limited types at a time. If you have a wide variety to choose from. The Oatmeal Cinnamon Raisin will lead to the Double Chocolate Chip will lead to the Snickerdoodle will lead to the Sugar Cookies and so on and so on.
4. If you value your life. Don’t even try her brownies and cupcakes.

Maybe I’ve exaggerated the detrimental effects of the cookies. Not the euphoria part, that’s certain. I’m unaware of anyone that actually died from the cookies and in fact the website for Jessica’s Cookie Jar has excellent reviews. It’s possible I’ve written one myself. The addictive qualities are real. Even now I’m making known my availability to babysit again although I do plan to go back to one cookie per session. And of course, there’s Christmas! I wonder if there’s a Twelve-Step Program for cookies? I’ve included a few reviews, see how many times they refer to dying I’m just saying. They can be shipped anywhere so there’s nowhere to hide!

“Ordered Macadamia Nut and Oatmeal Cinnamon Raisin, they only lasted a few days! My boyfriend loved both and he normally not a Macadamia fan. Also, tried the Red Velvet previously which are to die for. Love that they come all individually wrapped. Great idea for ordering for the holidays!”

“Ordered the red velvet cookies and just about died. I love the presentation and how they were individually wrapped for optimum freshness. I literally inhaled the whole box over a week. Putting in my next order soon. Love love LOVE!!!!”

“I have had the pleasure of tasting a variety of Jessica’s cookies. I would have to say that my all time favorite is either the Peanut Butter Cookie that made my taste buds jump for joy or her Double Chocolate Chip that was also to die for. I am a baker myself and Jessica’s cookies exceed my cookie expectations. They are not greasy or dry they are the perfect blend of Yumminess!”

“These cookies were WONDERFUL!! I ordered the red velvet cookies as a part of a valentines gift for my guy (red velvet is his favorite) and he LOVED them. I also ordered the brownie stuffed chocolate chip cookies and they were like heaven on earth. The cookies were so soft and moist, tasted fresh like she just baked them (you would’ve never thought they were shipped). I will definitely recommend Jessica’s Cookie Jar to anyone looking for a quality dessert. I can’t wait to try more of her cookies. Thanks Jessica…you rock :)”

Happy Thanksgiving???

I’m preparing to write a letter to my granddaughter’s pre-school. If anybody thinks I have this situation wrong, please let me know? I attended a “Grandparents Breakfast” at the school, which turned out to be a Thanksgiving celebration as well. A few different pre-school age groups put on brief songs/presentations. The kind that if your own child or grandchild wasn’t in it; you’d never watch.

When my granddaughter’s group lined up and marched in. I saw several male and female Pilgrims. Some kids dressed as Turkeys, a few Preachers and several male and female Indians. The differentiation between male and female is important. Whenever the narrator mentioned the male Pilgrims or the female Indians or the turkeys. They each had a saying they repeated. I remember when the Preachers were mentioned. They said, “Praise the Lord.”

Back to the Indians. There were white children dressed as Indians, brown children, black children. No actual Native Americans as far as I can tell. My son and I had a discussion about cultural appropriation and racist much? I wondered aloud, “What would they do for Black History Month? Pearl Harbor Day? Juneteenth?” Would they have little white, brown and black slaves celebrating their freedom?

I decided to research Thanksgiving; I wondered specifically about the Second Thanksgiving to see how the Indians fared? It crossed my mind that the history would have been written by the winners and the Pilgrims would not be made to look bad. In fact the second Thanksgiving was written to be more wonderful than the first. An extended drought threatened the Pilgrim’s crops. The prayers of the Pilgrims resulted in weeks of rain just in time to salvage the harvest. It’s alleged that the treaty between these particular Pilgrims and Indians lasted almost fifty years. Longer than almost all the rest. I guess they should be celebrated for keeping the truce longer than most, Before ultimately taking the Indian land. Pushing west those they didn’t kill.

Many Native American’s take issue with the way Thanksgiving is portrayed. Accenting the harmony between the Native American and the White Man. Any truth in that portrayal would be measured in moments and not decades. The history of slavery is being rewritten in Texas and elsewhere as we speak. The history of the Native American has long ago been changed in favor of the White man. When I learned in school about “Manifest Destiny” and “The Monroe Doctrine.” They were about the God given right of White people to take the lands that God obviously intended for them. The Native American’s that were already there were merely an obstacle to be overcome.

So as I watched the cute little kids (and they were cute) in their Native American garb. Singing of the wonderful relationship between red and white with no inkling of what was to come. I wondered would school children ever dress as interned Japanese Citizens or Chinese railroad workers… slaves? So I’m going to write my letter and tell them why I think it wrong. If any disagree with me; let me know?