The Funeral Of Donald Trump

As must we all, Donald Trump will eventually meet his demise and the country will be faced with the need for the funeral of an ex-President. Always a revered occasion, these events are typically attended by all living former Presidents along with the current office holder. These plans were upset when a mysterious tweet originated from the official @realDonaldTrump twitter account, disinviting former President Barack Obama and wife Michelle, inviting Bill Clinton but allocating no priority seating for his wife, Hillary. He also specified front row seats for three former Playboy playmates and two porn stars, none of whom were Stormy Daniels or Karen McDougal. When questioned, Ivanka Trump acknowledged, “these were my father’s last wishes.”

There was speculation as to whether Melania Trump would attend the service? She was last seen in public on the day they left the White House in disgrace, Donald Trump having been impeached by Congress. When walking to the helicopter on the White House lawn to depart, Trump reached for her hand and she smacked it away… twice. A Marine guard stepped between the couple as it looked as though she might be considering a full assault, but she went ahead and climbed the steps of the helicopter. Trump followed, when he reached the top, instead of turning and waving in his normal manner, he bent over and showed the public his ass. Ultimately, she attended the funeral with all appropriate decorum.

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The location of the funeral and where the body would lay in state was initially undecided. There was no Donald Trump library, no architect had been found to design the building. Tod Williams, one of the architects for the Obama Presidential Library in Chicago is alleged to have said, “How do you design a library for a man that didn’t read?” Some of the versions of that story said he, “couldn’t read.” The family had hoped to have the service at Trump Tower in New York but residents were successful in getting a restraining order against it. That effort ironically was led by a group of Russian tenants. When asked for comment they simply said, “Nyet!” Ultimately, the family accepted an invitation from Greene County, PA on the West Virginia border to host the funeral and bury the body in an abandoned coal mine. The town of 38,000 people was excited about the prospects of new jobs, conducting tours of the Presidential burial site and staffing the gift shop. A resident was overheard to say, “God Bless Him! He kept his promise to reopen the mine!” Invitations to host the funeral were also received from Russia and North Korea.

The service itself was relatively uneventful. The press elected to send a single pool reporter rather than throngs of journalists. Three cameras were mounted including one on the single road leading to the mine so no dignitaries were missed. Greene County Airport didn’t have nearly enough rental cars to accommodate the visitors but arrangements were made from several surrounding Counties to provide school buses. Students that were normally to be in school were dropped off outside the mine and given signs and “Make America Great Again,” hats. Each was promised $50 for their effort but several students later reported not getting paid. Nevertheless, a crowd of about 3,000 lined the road outside the mine. Eric Trump said, “Dad would have loved this, he loved big crowds.”

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Speakers included Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Steve Bannon and Sean Hannity. Donald Trump Jr was unable to attend, having violated prison rules where he was serving his sentence for fraud, money laundering, and conspiracy. Diamond and Silk performed a musical selection, “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” but forgot the words. Kanye West, not missing a beat, jumped up and led the crowd in “Swing Down, Sweet Chariot” by Parliament Funkadelic providing the one true bright spot of the service. George W. Bush broke out in a dance that was confusing for not being on the beat but entertaining nonetheless. After a prayer by Franklin Graham, everyone piled back onto the buses and left town, save a few of his most loyal supporters who thought they’d stand by the mine entrance for three days… just in case.

Donald Trump: 7 Hours of Hell

A Manhattan Judge just ruled that Donald Trump must sit for a 7-hour deposition with lawyers from Summer Zervos in her defamation case. Zervos, a former contestant on “The Apprentice,” has alleged that Trump rubbed his genitals against her in 2007 at the Beverly Hills Hilton. Her lawyers will be asking questions about Trump’s harassment of other women, a tactic Trump’s lawyer Marc Kasowitz says he’ll fight. He indicates that unless any other women have been defamed, their testimony is meaningless. Unfortunately for Kasowitz, his client has called “all the women” liars and therefore made their accusations relevant.

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Even worse for Trump is the discovery sought by Zervos and her lawyers. She has requested videotapes from the set of Thye Apprentice including outtakes where Trump is reported to have harassed women, used abusive and tawdry language and even used the “N-word” according to people present. That Trump is capable of the things described was made clear in the infamous Access Hollywood video where Trump himself say’s he can just kiss women, even grabbing them “by the pussy.”

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An argument Trumps criminal lawyers have put forward in their discussions with Special Counsel Robert Mueller is that their client is “too busy” to sit for an interview given his extensive duties as President. He does appear to be getting busier and busier, defending himself against civil and potential criminal complaints including the advancing legal efforts of the Special Counsel, Stormy Daniels lawyer and now Summer Zervos. The Manhattan judge has given Trump until January 31, 2019, to comply with the order. Of course, the President being who he is, his deposition could lead to perjury charges making him busier yet. Stay tuned!

Forget The Mueller Questions, These Are The Twelve Questions I’d Like Trump To Answer!

The New York Times just broke a story publishing a list of 49 questions the Mueller investigation would like Donald Trump to answer. The questions are a result of negotiations between the Special Counsel’s team and Trump’s lawyers. Discussions that came to an end when lead Trump lawyer John Dowd was fired resigned from the position. The questions were provided orally to the Trump lawyers who wrote them down and presumably are the source of the leak.

The questions are highly specific and center on Donald Trump’s knowledge about how certain decisions were made and what Donald Trump knew. They seem to be focused on whether or not Trump has obstructed justice. While I want those questions answered and have no doubt that Trump has obstructed justice, laundered money, paid illegal bribes to foreign countries, violated FEC laws regarding contributions (paid off women he had affairs with to aid his election effort) and of course conspired with Russia. The 49 questions cited by the times aren’t really the ones I want to be answered. I want him to answer these:

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  1. What is your reading level? I’ve seen you struggle with documents, sounding out words and showing off your Hooked On Phonics skills but can you read at better than a 5th-grade level? Inquiring minds want to know.
  2. Are you disappointed that even though you got to be President, you can never be a made man because you’re not Italian? Hanging out with mobsters half your life and always being shut out when the big meetings were held and the real decisions made, had to hurt.
  3. Who does your hair? Normally the stylist to the President would try to capitalize on the fame and build their business based on their relationship with you. In this case, there’s a Nondisclosure Agreement (NDA) requiring you never to reveal their name and expose them to shame.
  4. Do you pick out your own clothes? You’re allegedly a rich man, you can do better than those ugly coats and super long ties. Maybe you’re trying to distract from that gut but it’s not really working.
  5. What’s up with your fixation with women that look like your daughter and why do you tell your women that? In a related question, do you ask them to call you Daddy?
  6. What do you and Melania talk about when you’re alone? Of course, it’s possible you have an arrangement where you are never alone together? Separate bedrooms and all. Here’s a tip; stop trying to hold her hand in public. It’s clear she’s not feeling you.
  7. When you lie (which is all the time), do you realize you’re lying or just not care? Your lies aren’t even good at the moment and certainly don’t age well. You are the exception to the rule that, “The Truth Will Set You Free!” In your case, the truth will lock you up?
  8. You know Barack’s is bigger right? That’s gonna haunt you the rest of your life that you’ll never be the man he is, in every meaning of the word.
  9. What did Omarosa do in the White House? I’d say something about her lack of knowledge about any policy matter but I forgot that would make you equal.
  10. While we’re on your black sycophants, what’s the deal with the black guy with the sign and t-shirt at all your rallies and how much do you pay Diamond and Silk, Pastor Mark Burns and Dr. Darrell Scott? Whatever it is it isn’t enough unless the price for selling your soul has really gone down.
  11. How well do you think you’ll do in jail and would you rather be in the same prison or different prisons than Donald Jr and Jared?
  12. How does the President of the United States end up with the worst lawyers of all the people in the White House that had to lawyer up? Maybe you should have looked a little further than Fox News for applicants?

Five Things Sean Hannity Never Denied Or Forgot To Tell Us

Sean Hannity’s day went south when in a hearing about the disposition of records seized in the raid on Donald Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen. Sean Hannity was named as one of only three clients Michael Cohen had done legal work for in the past year. Hannity had gone to great lengths to keep from being named, telling Cohen’s and Trump’s lawyers to employ various threats, but ultimately, he was named as the third client.

The other two clients were Donald Trump, for whom Cohen made a $130,000 payment to silence her from going public about their affair, just before the election. Then there was Elliott Broidy, a Deputy Finance Committee Chairman of the RNC that paid a Playboy model $1.6 million for her to remain silent about their affair and the birth of their love child.

Once Hannity’s involvement was known, there was immediate speculation about whether his use of Cohen was similar to his only other clients, to cover-up extra-marital affairs. There was also great criticism that Hannity failed to disclose his relationship as a client of Cohen’s while doing nightly stories supporting Trump and Cohen and blasting the raid on Cohen’s office, which may contain his name on documents seized. Cohen has appeared on Hannity’s show at least seventeen times with no mention of their legal association.

Hannity began damage control with a series of tweets and statements. These are the most amazing things he either said or forgot to say regarding this matter.

  1. Immediately after Cohen’s lawyers named him as the third client, Hannity said, Cohen never represented him, “in any matter.” Thus denying he was Cohen’s client. He went on to say Cohen never represented him in relation to a third party (translate to; he never paid any women off for me) and we “almost” exclusively talked about Real Estate.
  2. Hannity claimed, “I never denied being represented by Michael Cohen.” A question no one knew to ask until he was named as a client. There are certainly millions of other things Hannity has never denied, some of them true.
  3. When lawyer Alan Dershowitz told him on his own show he should have disclosed his relationship with Cohen. Hannity said he, “was entitled to his privacy.” Anyone that’s watched a half-hour of Hannity, ever, knows he has no privacy concerns and if we didn’t already know, no ethics.
  4. Hannity himself is not unfamiliar with accusations related to women. Debbie Schlussel, a political analyst, said Hannity invited her to his hotel room after a show. She says when she refused, she was ultimately banned from Fox News.
  5. Sean Hannity is rumored to have been involved in sexual affairs with several women. an open question is whether or not and Cohen drafted Nondisclosure Agreements were seized in the raid?  As anticipated, Fox News is standing behind their man (and the advertising revenue his show brings in) and refusing to answer any questions about ethical concerns.

Trump Words For The Day: DNA and NDA

“DNA is an acid in the chromosomes in the center of the cells of living things. DNA determines the particular structure and functions of every cell and is responsible for characteristics being passed on from parents to their children. DNA is an abbreviation for ‘deoxyribonucleic acid.”

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Breaking it down, DNA would constitute proof that Donald Trump fathered a love child with a housekeeper while living in Trump Tower. We don’t know (yet) whether this story is true. We do know that the National Enquirer (whose parent company also paid Playmate Karen McDougal $150,000 about her affair with Trump) paid a doorman at Trump Tower, $30,000 to keep quiet about what he knew about the housekeeper fathering Trump’s child.

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The doorman, Dino Sajudin said, “I can confirm that while working at Trump World Tower I was instructed not to criticize President Trump’s former housekeeper due to a prior relationship she had with President Trump which produced a child.” If true, the child would bein his or her 30’s, between the ages of Trump children Eric and Tiffany.

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This brings us to the second word:

“A non-disclosure agreement (NDA), also known as a confidentiality agreement (CA), confidential disclosure agreement (CDA), hush agreementproprietary information agreement (PIA) or secrecy agreement (SA), is a legal contract between at least two parties that outlines confidential material, knowledge, or information that the parties wish to share with one another for certain purposes, but wish to restrict access to or by third parties. It is a contract through which the parties agree not to disclose information covered by the agreement. An NDA creates a confidential relationship between the parties to protect any type of confidential and proprietary information or trade secrets. As such, an NDA protects non-public business information. Like all contracts, they cannot be enforced if the contracted activities are felonies.”

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The offices, home, and hotel of longtime Trump personal attorney Michael Cohen were raided by the FBI this week and among the things they took were computers, records, phones, and documents. They were specifically looking for information on the $150,000 payment to Karen McDougal, $130,000 to Stormy Daniels, copies of Non-disclosure Agreements (NDA’s) and related documents which could include NDA’s with Dino Sajurin, the housekeeper, and according to Steve Bannon, “hundreds of women” during the campaign.

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Regarding the DNA situation, it’s alleged the former housekeeper is vehemently denying the story, which any financial agreement with Trump and an NDA might require her to do. It’s believed that Cohen also kept audio tapes of many of his telephone calls which might be even more for Trump to worry about. Trump called Cohen today, presumably to get their stories straight and evaluate the damage.

A Plea To All Leakers, Investigative Reporters, And Rumor Mongers, With Breaking News About Donald Trump

Y’all need to get organized! America is tired of not being able to get through a single day without new stories about who Trump fired, what he tweeted or what new policy he appropriated by watching Fox News. We are beyond our capacity to process all this information in an orderly fashion so we’re are going to insist you stick to a schedule!

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You can get together and agree on a weekly day and time to release all breaking news, and the public can have the rest of the week to live their lives without fear that when they go to work, go to bed, or even take a short nap, that Trump won’t have started a Trade War, had a new affair or threatened Russia, North Korea, or even Venezuela with Nuclear War.

Anxiety levels across the nation will go down, the economy will keep growing as people go back to taking their vacations, play more golf, eat out in restaurants and making big-ticket purchases with less fear that the world will end before they get to enjoy these activities. Bars, on the other hand, might see a drop in income as people find less of a need to drown their sorrows.

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Might I suggest Friday nights at 9:00 PM as a good time. People can choose to watch or not and take the whole weekend to either absorb whatever chaos has come our way or ignore it altogether. If the breaking news had to be condensed, you could cut out all the panels, discussion, and speculation and just give us the facts. You could cut your payrolls by not having to hire all the strategic experts to explain to us what you just said and what it might mean.

Exceptions to this rule can be actual indictments, guilty pleas and compromising pictures of Donald Trump, Ivanka, or Melania. If it’s just Donald Jr, Eric, or any of the Cabinet members, it can wait until Friday. If wars could only be declared on Friday nights, each week we could sigh with relief and know there’s at least one more week before Trump puts our military in harm’s way.

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I think what set off this rant was the breaking news that a Trump Tower doorman was paid $30,000 not to talk about an alleged relationship between Trump and his housekeeper… that produced a child. As salacious as that may be, it could have waited until Friday.

 

Paul Ryan Isn’t Going To Quit Congress, He Already Quit A Long Time Ago!

Congressman Paul Ryan (R) Wisconsin, the Speaker of the House, announced today he won’t be running for re-election for Congress. He’s only making clear now what has been obvious for some time that he quit doing his job a long time ago. Turning over control of the House to the likes of Devin Nunes and Mark Meadows. Ryan has been unable ( or unwilling) to exert any control over the rogue House Intelligence Committee which has put Party before Country and ignored Russian meddling in our elections and potential crimes committed by the President.

One of the lowest moments of his tenure came when the FBI Director and Assistant Attorney General came to see Ryan about Nunes request for secret Justice Department files. Ryan backed Nunes and requested the Top Secret files be turned over to Nunes, selective and misleading confidential information were promptly leaked by Nunes to right-wing media outlets.

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Ryan has stood by while Trump blew up the deficit, destroyed health-care and gave windfall tax benefits to corporations and billionaires. Ryan threatened from time to time to stand up to Trump during his worst behavior, but every time he backed off and assumed a submissive position like the weakling he proved to be.

Right now, the President is threatening to openly obstruct justice by firing the Special Counsel because he made a referral that is getting preciously close to Trump, his lawyer, and the women he paid to keep silent about his affairs. Some in the Senate are making clear that firing Mueller would be “the beginning of the end of Trump’s Presidency.” The one man that would have to institute Impeachment proceedings in the House of Representatives, is saying nothing, afraid of Trump, afraid of the Republican base and afraid of his caucus who doesn’t want him to put them on the spot.

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Paul Ryan will be completing his term and technically giving up the ghost in January of 2019. We know though, that ship sailed long ago and Ryan is simply collecting his check, fulfilling none of his actual responsibilities as Speaker of the entire House of Representatives, just those of a Trump puppet.