Trump Brings Back Federal Executions. “The Ratings Will Be Huge!” (Mostly Parody)


Attorney General William Barr announced the return of Federal Executions almost twenty years after the last execution. The process of reinstating the death penalty after almost twenty years will involve an administrative review and establishment of execution rules including drug protocol and amounts for lethal injections and surviving present and future legal challenges. The Department of Justice was asked by the last Attorney General Jeff Sessions, to find a way to reinstate executions which they announced today.

At a hastily called press conference. President Trump announced the first five executions will be televised, beginning in December to coincide with the birth of Christ. The first five include three white men (including a member of a white supremacist group that killed a family of three), one black man and a Native American. Trump later apologized to white supremacists and assured them that future executions will consist of mostly minorities.

In related news, a no-bid contract was issued to the Trump Organization to handle all television rights and event management. Spokesman Eric Trump pointed to their experience with the Miss Universe Pageant and said he was encouraged by early discussions with pay-per-view companies. After the initial five, future executions will be programmed to run against future Democrat debates and primaries. He planned to continue but lost his train of thought.

When questioned about the controversial three-drug cocktail previously used in Federal executions. Trump said, “We’re just going to use one drug, it’s called pentobarbital, and it’s the number one drug for killing people, we are also going to look at bringing back hanging and firing squads. Maybe we’ll have a drawing the day before. I think we’ll have Ivanka pull a card out of a bowl, wouldn’t that be great? The ratings will be huge!”

Despite the announcement of specific dates for the executions, beginning December 9th. Given the administrative processes to be completed and pending and likely future lawsuits. The five convicts can feel secure in making plans for Christmas, New Years, and the Fourth of July.